The Daily Post has received a copy of a previously undisclosed report documenting a February 28 board of directors meeting of the Stinkwater Springs Community Development Club (SSCDC), held at its undisclosed headquarters somewhere in Huevos County, wherein then-executive director Tupelo Vaselini announced the signing of an agreement between SSCDC and the Villas at Mineral Heights — an agreement which puts into affect the Stinkwater River ‘Big-Dry-Up’, in which the turbid waters of the Stinkwater River will be diverted to Mineral Heights Villas holding tanks atop Stinkwater Peak some 20 miles east of Stinkwater.
"The idea is to finally do away with the unsightly and dangerous nuisance that divides y’alls community — The Stinkwater River," Mr. Vaselini is quoted as saying. “For years the people of Stinkwater have been separated by the Stinkwater River, a natural and unwelcomed barrier in the middle of y’alls town. Why, if this had happened some place else, a place like Schneidley, Texas, for instance, the town would have concreted the whole cotton pickin’ thang [sic].
"Praise-be!”
The Stinkwater River Big-Dry-Up was originally the plan of developer Dan Moreno, but was purchased by Texas billionaire Rouge O’Brushes who said that staging the Big-Dry-Up was, “the only thing a pious and righteous man like myself could do for this dismal little community. The irksome and noisy water,” O’Brushes continued, “will be dammed up and pumped out of the Stinkwater River, then trucked up to my holding tanks at Mineral heights Villas which I have graciously donated, by Paul Pulmonary of Pulmonary Construction in Stinkwater.”
“It’s just one more of the many community-oriented projects for which I am donating my time and equipment for $1500.00 an hour,” Pulmonary added.
"Bless his heart,” Mr. O’Brushes was quoted as saying during the meeting at the SSCDC's undisclosed headquarters. “I’ll probably end up just giving all that stinky ol’ water away to some well-deserving charity. I won’t make a penny from it,” O’Brushes added.
“Hallelujah and amen, y’all!” Mr. Vaselini was quoted as saying.
But as is typical with local dissenters, the waters of the Stinkwater Big-Dry-Up were muddied by two of the town’s notoriously meddlesome ‘Nosey-Neds’, Dirk Applesaucer and ‘White-Water’ Wilbur Waldorf.
“Kids play in that there river there! What are they gonna do for fun? Answer me that one there, Vaselini,” White-Water Waldorf steamed.
“A skateboard park, you nattering nabob!” Vaselini ejaculated. “Why with the steep sides and all the rocks and mud, silt, beer cans and broken glass down there, it’s a perfect and totally organical site for Stinkwater’s skateboard park. What little preparation the riverbed will require is being donated by Pulmonary Construction of Stinkwater.”
“At $1500.00 an hour,” added Mr. Pulmonary.
“It ought to be called ‘The Big Suck’!” Applesaucer protested.
“It’s time we give our kids a place to break their bones and shred their flesh that’s out of sight of our all important tourists!” retorted Mr. Vaselini. “Let’s have our kids bleed and concuss themselves where nobody will notice.”
“Amen and hallelujah, y’all” wheezed Rouge O’Brushes.
In possibly related news, the City Council of Schneidley, Texas announced plans for the new “Mineral Heights Waterpark”, to be built on the arid plains just outside Schneidley. Schneidley, located smack-dab right in the middle of the Llano Estacado, one of the flattest, hottest and driest places in Texas has been in a One-Hundred-Year drought for the last one-hundred and ten years.
“But a recent ‘discovery’ of winter run-off has been acquired by the Mineral Heights Corporation, owned by Rouge O’Brushes,” an unidentified spokesman for the Mineral Heights Corporation and joyously added, “hallelujah!”
O’Brushes, currently convalescing in Stinkwater, Colorado from a herniated disk attributed to falling on an over-stuffed wallet full of hundred-dollar bills, was unavailable to answer questions regarding the location of this mother-lode of mountain water.
“But,” said the unidentified spokesman earnestly, “it’s better than making watered-down beer out of it.”
The new and welcomed water attraction will be located on the site of the old “Cuello Roto” (Broken Neck) Skateboard Park.
“It’s time Schneidley gets rid of this dangerous and unattractive nuisance,” said the unidentified spokesman for O’Brushes. “Praise-be to Rouge O’Brushes! Hallelujah!” added the spokesman. “And bless his heart.” |